Welcome, darling, to the Werk Room of gay dating. Today’s topic? The f*ck boy. Love them or loathe them, they’re as common in gay culture as glitter at Pride. But while we’re out here flocking to our doctors for PrEP and doxy prep to protect our bodies, most of us are leaving our hearts and mental health completely exposed.
Why do we prepare for sex but not for connection? Why are we out here carrying lube and poppers but not boundaries and communication skills? Let’s dive in, sprinkle in some humor (and a dash of drag queen realness), and figure out how to not just survive but thrive in the f*ck boy wilderness.
The F*ck Boy Taxonomy: Tasting the Rainbow
Just like drag queens, f*ck boys come in many flavors. Some are oh so sweet and other may be bitter AF. Let’s break it down with the precision of a well-tucked queen.
1. The No Strings Attached F*ck Boy (aka Wham Bam Thank You Glam)
Location: The bathhouse, the cruising spot, or your DMs at 3 a.m. 'You Up?'. Their famous tagline: “No emotions, just lotions.”
He’s upfront about wanting nothing more than a quick romp. There’s no emotional investment, no pretense, and no heartbreak—because, well, there’s no real connection. Think of him as the microwave dinner of hookups: hot, fast, and gone before you know it.
2. The Knight in Shining Armor F*ck Boy (aka Sir Lies-a-Lot)
Location: Your heart—and five others’.Tagline: “You’re the one! (And so are you, and you, and you...). This one loves to play the role of the perfect partner. He’ll wine, dine, and woo you into believing you’re his only bae. He will even introduce to his puppy and his puppy dog eyes; while juggling multiple “soulmates” on the side. It’s not ethical non-monogamy; it’s emotional Jenga, and you’re one piece away from a total collapse.
3. The Ghost (aka The Houdini Hoe)
Type A: He’s here, then gone faster than a drag queen ditching her heels after a six-hour Pride parade.
Type B: He stays, but emotionally shuts down, locking away his feelings like RuPaul locks away that Emmy.
Don't get me wrong, if someone is not safe or abusive in anyway then ghost them and run! But all to often, the date goes well and we are eager to go on that 2nd date we discussed. Then crickets... Either way, you’re left confused, clutching your pearls, and wondering what went wrong.
4. The Responsible F*ck Boy (aka The Ethical Slut Extraordinaire)
Location: Rare, but real.Tagline: “Communication is foreplay.”
This one’s a unicorn—a fck boy who’s honest, clear, and respectful of boundaries. He tells you upfront if it’s casual, ensures everyone’s on the same page, and leaves no emotional carnage in his wake. If this is you, congrats—you’re the Bianca Del Rio of fck boys: sharp, sassy, and surprisingly ethical.
Why Do F*ck Boys Exist? (Hint: It’s Not Just to Ruin Your Life)
Before you grab your pitchforks, let’s pause and untuck the truth: most f*ck boys aren’t out to hurt anyone. They’re not villains in a telenovela—they’re just scared little boys trapped in a mans body with.
According to attachment theory (shoutout to Attached by Dr. Amir Levine), many f*ck boys operate from avoidant attachment styles. This often stems from early experiences where love felt conditional, unreliable, or unsafe. Instead of learning to open up, they overcompensate with charm, sex appeal, and emotional unavailability.
Deep down, these queens aren’t heartless—they’re just terrified. Their ghosting and game-playing aren’t about manipulation; they’re about survival.
F*ck Boy Harm Reduction: The Two-Way Street
If f*ck boys are going to exist (and spoiler: they are), let’s make the dating scene healthier for everyone.
1. How to Be a Healthy F*ck Boy
Read the Bible: No, not that one. I mean The Ethical Slut.
Communicate, darling: Be clear about your intentions. Are you looking for fun, a fling, or something more? Spell it out.
Respect boundaries: If someone’s catching feelings and you’re not, don’t lead them on. Be as honest as a drag queen reading a bad wig.
2. Spotting a F*ck Boy (Red Flags Are Just Wigs Waiting to Be Snatched)
Here’s how to tell if you’re dealing with one:
They text you only after 10 p.m. (Netflix and chill? More like text and ghost.)
They say, “I’m just not ready for a relationship… yet,” while asking you to wait for them.
You feel anxious, confused, or like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself.
Honey, that’s not chemistry—it’s your intuition screaming, “Get outta there!”
The Post-Date Inventory: Feeling Moderately Fabulous
Dating can feel like the gay Olympics. Some dates leave you breathless like you’ve just finished a marathon; others leave you wishing you’d stayed home binge-watching Drag Race. But not every connection should feel like fireworks or flop completely—sometimes the healthiest connections are the ones that exist in the middle ground, where moderation reigns.
After every date, ask yourself these questions to unpack your experience:
Attraction (0–10): Did they get your bits tingling, or were you forcing yourself to find them cute?
Safety (0–10): Did you feel comfortable and relaxed, or was your guard up?
Chemistry (0–10): Was there a spark, or were you left wondering if this was more “meh” than magic?
Anxiety (0–10): Did you feel calm, or were you overthinking their every move?
Guardedness (0–10): Did you feel emotionally open, or were you locked up like Fort Knox?
Scoring the Experience:
8–10 Across the Board: Hold your horses, babe. If everything feels too perfect, it might be the thrill of infatuation or—worse—a toxic trauma bond. Those “sweep-you-off-your-feet” connections can feel exhilarating but often mask deeper issues.
4–7 Range: The sweet spot! These moderate scores often indicate a balanced connection where both parties are being themselves without the haze of infatuation or the sting of rejection.
Below 4: Time to pack it up, sweetie. Whether it’s a lack of chemistry or an emotional wall, it’s probably not worth pursuing further.
When Hot and Heavy Becomes Red and Alarming: Spotting a Toxic Trauma Bond
We all love a bit of drama (hello, Untucked), but when a connection feels intense, overwhelming, and all-consuming from the start, it’s a red flag. This could be a sign of a toxic trauma bond.
A trauma bond often feels like love on steroids: you’re deeply drawn to each other, but the relationship thrives on emotional highs and lows, instability, and unresolved wounds. Think of it as a drag queen’s wig reveal: dramatic, surprising, but ultimately unsustainable.
Signs of a potential trauma bond:
The relationship feels “magical” and moves too quickly (you’re planning your wedding by date two).
You feel an obsessive need to be around them, but you’re constantly anxious when you are. "Okay, I know they are not good for me...but I still want them in my life at some level".
Emotional highs and lows are defined by your connection.
"He really gets me in a way nobody ever has"
If this resonates, take a step back. The intensity might feel thrilling, but healthy love doesn’t feel like a rollercoaster—it feels like a steady, fabulous walk down the runway.
When There’s No Spark: Am I Blocking Intimacy?
On the flip side, some dates leave you wondering, Why don’t I feel anything? This could be a sign of a bad date—or it could mean you’re unknowingly blocking intimacy with unhelpful belief systems.
Common Intimacy-Blocking Beliefs:
“I’m not good enough to be loved.”
You might sabotage connections because you don’t believe you deserve them.
“Love always ends in heartbreak.”
You avoid closeness to protect yourself from potential pain.
“If I let them see the real me, they’ll leave.”
You keep emotional walls up, fearing vulnerability.
“I need to stay in control.”
You resist emotional intimacy because it feels like losing control.
How to Tell If You’re Blocking Intimacy:
You find faults in people early on to justify not pursuing them further.
You feel detached or emotionally numb during dates.
You keep connections at a surface level to avoid vulnerability.
Breaking Free: From Blocking to Blossoming
If you suspect you’re blocking intimacy, it’s time to dive deeper. Here’s how:
Therapy, Therapy, Therapy:Work with a therapist (preferably queer-affirming) to unpack your beliefs about love, intimacy, and vulnerability. Modalities like Emotion-Focused Therapy and Internal Family Systems can help you identify and heal your emotional roadblocks.
Challenge Your Beliefs:When you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” ask yourself, “Says who?” Identify where these thoughts come from and remind yourself that they aren’t facts—they’re stories you’ve learned to tell yourself.
Give Moderate Connections a Chance:Not every date will feel like a scene from Call Me By Your Name—and that’s okay. Sometimes the quieter, more moderate connections are where true intimacy begins.
Practice Vulnerability:Start small. Share something personal but not overwhelming. Vulnerability is like drag makeup: it takes practice, patience, and a little bravery to get it right.
Final Thoughts: Intuition Over Infatuation
Dating isn’t about finding the perfect 10; it’s about finding someone who feels right in a balanced, authentic way. The next time you’re overwhelmed by a connection—or underwhelmed by one—take a step back and ask yourself:
Am I experiencing this moderately?
Is this intensity a sign of something deeper, like a trauma bond?
Am I blocking myself from feeling because of old beliefs or fears?
With reflection, therapy, and a commitment to growth, you can move from hot mess to healthy success. And remember, darling: true connection isn’t found in the extremes. It’s found in the gray area, where you can be your fabulous, flawed, and fully human self.
Now go out there, slay your post-date inventory, and remember: life is a runway, and you’re already serving realness.
So if you need some support with this then reach out to our experts at Noble Path Counseling. Shoot us a text, give us a call, or send an email:
602-282-8850, Info@noblepathcc.com, www.noblepathcc.com
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